Explosions, Plot holes Abound in The Three Musketeers... but it's kind of okay

Last Friday, The Three Musketeers premiered in movie theaters around the country.  This is the twenty-first live action film adaptation of Alexander Dumas' action adventure novel and takes a steam punk approach to the story.  So far, reception has been less than enthusiastic, with a Rotten Tomatoes rating of 27%.  Yikes.

I knew when I decided to go see The Three Musketeers that it wasn't going to be a masterpiece.  I fully expected it to be absolutely ridiculous, silly, and full of explosions.  (And as my friends from high school liked to say, the number of plot holes in a film is directly proportional to the number of explosions, a theory we created after seeing The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen).

If you are capable of accepting this from the beginning, then the movie will be pretty enjoyable.  First of all, you've got plenty of eye candy, including Matthew Macfayden, who played the dreamy Mr. Darcy is the 2005 remake of Pride & Prejudice.  Unfortunately, Orlando Bloom is less than attractive with his pompadour hair do and dangling earring.  Such a shame.  (I still think he's drool-worthy as Will Turner, so sue me).  There is also Luke Evans, who is not actually Orlando Bloom, as I believed for the entirety of the film.  (Seriously, the whole film I sat there thinking, "What is the significance of the fact that Bloom is playing two characters? Are they supposed to be related?  Is this some sort of Man in the Iron Mask subplot type of thing?")

If you're not into guys, then of course there's Milla Jovovich (The Fifth Element).  Oh, and for younger audiences, the guy from Percy Jackson plays D'Artagnan.

There's also a lot of sword play, much of it absolutely ridiculous, unrealistic and capable of making any fencer cringe. Did I mention the explosions?  And air ships -- which explode.  Sadly, the airships are not as awesome as the one in Stardust, but it'd be pretty difficult to upstage a flying ship that catches electricity.

The subplot about the King and the Queen struggling to display their mutual affections for each other was actually kind of adorable.

What were the plot holes, you ask?  Watch out, we're sailing into Spoiler Territory here.  You may want to turn back if you haven't seen the movie yet.

Well... I don't think I could list them all, but off the top of my head - SPOILER ALERT: how does a girl wearing a corset do anything that Milla Jovovich's character, Milady, did?  How did she survive that fall?  Why does D'Artagnan constantly attempt to block Rochefort's sword with his hand when he doesn't wear a glove or carry a dagger?  Why did the crowd cheer when the three Musketeers and D'Artagnan took out the police?  Why does Louis XII not care at all that they were responsible for killing 40 people?  Why did it take them so long to figure out that damaging the actual boat was pointless (as there was no water to seep into the holes in the ship and cause it to sink)?

And the biggest questions, which all center on one major plot point: 1) why was the Queen's lady in waiting going through her personal desk?; 2) why did she betray the Queen's confidence by going to someone who was not the Queen to notify them about said discovery?; 3) who DID she go to anyway?; and finally, 4) why did that person think it was a good idea to then go to the King?  (and yeah... I have no idea what's going on punctuationally with that sentence, and apparently have decided to make up a word about it, too).

Sure, sure, I know there are a few things that account for these dilemmas.  Like, obviously the "police" in Rochefort's guard were evil because they were wearing black, so the Musketeers not only were absolved from killing them, but had a moral obligation to do so. And when you are a protagonist, you get +2 defense when it comes to blocking swords with your bare hands.

Other things... I actually thought the cinematography and costumes were pretty good (although I hear the costumes are horrendously anachronistc).  The music was appropriately exciting, but felt too reminiscent of Pirates of the Caribbean and Sherlock Holmes.  While we're on that -- the whole film felt a bit like Pirates of the Caribbean meets Sherlock Holmes.

Having never read The Three Musketeers, I can't speak at all to how accurate the movie was, although I would be surprised if it was significantly true to the book.

Overall, I'd recommend this if you like period pieces, steam punk, hot men in renaissance costumes, and action adventure movies with lots of special effects and explosions. I will say I enjoyed it much more than the 1993 Three Musketeers starring Charlie Sheen.  If you're a fan of The Three Musketeers, and a stickler for staying true to the story line, this may not be up your alley.